San Antonio and How I'm Letting Go of Must-Do-It-All Guilt.

We're back! We had such a great time on our mini vacation in San Antonio! We:

 

Took goofy pictures

Did an obscene amount of walking along the riverwalk

Slept in every morning(not pictured)

Ate a ridiculously amazing steak dinner topped off with a perfect creme brulee(also not pictured- I felt a little awkward busting out the camera in such a fancy restaurant)

Visited the Guenther House, which had an incredible gingerbread replica of itself inside

 

Saw Les Miserables(incredible! Go see it right away!)

 

I'm thankful for:

The fact that my gut is healed enough to handle things like corn and sugar occasionally, and that I didn't have to obsess over my food except to make sure that it was gluten free

The afternoon at the mall that I got all to myself, dressing up

shopping,

 

 

and finding the Alamo.

Also thankful for the quiet breakfasts I got to myself,

and the fact that we're secure enough in our relationship to not have to spend every minute together. Thad wants to stay in the room and watch football while I go shopping and explore the town? Sounds like a win/win to me!

 

 

We had a great time, and we were so happy to get back home to see the kids.

 

But WOW. I was NOT expecting reintigration to be so hard. Apparently just three days apart was long enough for the kids to forget all the boundaries that we've been setting for forever, and for me to forget just how HARD this parenting thing is! We were back to snatching toys away from each other, forgetting to use words to talk to each other, and forgetting to ask mommy for help when the words aren't working. (They don't normally do these things perfectly, of course, but we've made some good progress and they're learning well.) There has been lots of boundary testing since we got back. I'm sure that's normal, but it sure isn't fun! Lots of patience required.

 

Even though I knew that the first day back was a little harder than my average day at home with the kids, I found myself thinking, "No wonder I'm so tired all the time! No wonder I always feel like I can't get anything done! No wonder!" Parenting these two is a non-stop job, from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. NON- STOP. Even when I am able to step away and get something done, I always have to be ready to drop everything to help a child, and that by itself is exhausting, at least for me. I don't know how I let myself forget that, and how I let myself feel guilty for not doing more, but I'm stopping with the guilt.

 

Parenting is a really difficult job. I think I need to give myself a little more credit. Even on days where I don't get anything else done besides care for the kids, I've done something awesome and I don't need to feel any guilt over that. On days when I'm able to get other things done as well(which is most days), I need to celebrate that, not feel guilty that I wasn't able to do more. I'll be able to do more when the kids are older, but for this season that requires non-stop attention, I think I'm doing pretty darn good, and I'm going to start giving myself credit for it.

 

Less guilt. More being proud of myself. More encouraging myself. I think that's the big lesson this vacation taught me.

 

 

Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty for not doing more? Do you have a hard time remembering that simply parenting small children day to day is a big accomplishment on its own? What helps you keep these things in perspective?

 

 

 

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For the Love of Dishes- GAPS Update # 1

As I write this, my dishwasher is running for the third time today. The THIRD time. And that's been pretty much normal since I started on GAPS. I'm enjoying it though! It's a good feeling to be eating only real, homemade food. I joked to Thad today that I was pretending that we're living in the 1700s and I'm having to make everything. It really has been fun experimenting in the kitchen. Right now I've got several things fermenting on the counter- pickles, sauerkraut, yogurt, and kombucha, and I've also got bone broth cooking in the crock pot. I let my kombucha SCOBYs die when we moved, and I've been growing a new one. It's taken longer than I thought it would, but I finally have a real SCOBY in my jar! I'm hoping this batch or the next one will be drinkable. This week I've also made coconut milk, coconut flour, and several batches of yogurt, and that's not even counting all the breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks.


I tried a new salmon patty recipe today, and they were absolutely AMAZING. I modified the recipe a little, adding onion and garlic and leaving out the lemon pepper. Then I whipped up a little dipping sauce from yogurt, dill, dijon mustard, and lemon juice. They were seriously the most delicious salmon patties I've ever tasted. I gave Tristan a little piece of one as I was cooking them, and he just couldn't get enough. He kept asking for bite after bite, so I finally just sat him up in the highchair where he devoured two whole patties. Hayden even liked them! I had to bribe her with the promise of mac'n'cheese to get her to try one, but after she tried it she liked it! Then she even ate another half of a patty along with her macaroni- amazing!


I've finally got a good lead on some raw milk, for only $6 a gallon! I'm really excited about that possibility. I've been wanting to get raw milk for a couple of years now, and it just hasn't been realistic for us. The farms have either been too far away, or the milk was too expensive. But this farm is fairly close to our house, and I've got a friend who wants to get milk too. We figure if we take turns we'd each only have to go out to the farm about once a month.


Like I said in my last post, I am seeing some improvements already! The bone broth seems to help tremendously with my allergies. My digestion is improving- or was until I had hot sauce on Sunday during the super bowl. (Note to self- just because something is GAPS-legal does not necessarily mean that your body will be happy to digest it.) It took me a couple of days to recover from that. It was a little discouraging, but all just a part of the learning process. And I am super proud of myself that I didn't have a single bite of the gorgeous spread of food that was at our house during the game. Willpower FTW!


One of the main things I've been hoping to see is an improvement in my mood/hormone issues. I'm pretty sure I started to see that happen, because about a week ago I felt really, really good. I just felt so calm and peaceful-more peaceful than I can remember feeling in a long time. And then my ovulation time rolled around. Ugh. I don't know what it is about the ovulation hormones, but they make me feel like an absolute crazy person. I literally feel like I'm not even myself. I feel so anxious, and the tiniest irritation can send me over the edge- even things like people touching me or the tv being too loud. Sometimes it makes me feel panicky, or like I just need to go into a rage! Yesterday was pretty bad- it was all I could do just to hold it together. I did feel a little better after a good cry, but not a lot. It's just so frustrating because it's all the opposite of the real me. I'm normally a calm, somewhat patient, reasonable person- just not when these hormones are coursing through my body. I know it's not just my mind playing tricks on me, because I have physical symptoms too. For the past two days I've had off and on dizziness, nausea, and a racing heartbeat. Does anyone know what that's all about? I think even just understand the process of what's making me feel this way would make me feel a little better about it. I'm hoping GAPS will help alleviate these issues and then I won't even have to worry about it.



So that's my GAPS update for the week. I'll leave you with a list of things I've learned:


*You can never have too many mason jars.
*Don't look too closely at what comes out of the can of salmon- just look at the tv or something until you've stirred it all together. And make sure you crush all the little spine bones before you go to fry the patties. Yum. (Seriously though, they were delicious.)
*Don't put a jar of half frozen broth into an already hot pan of water. It will break.
*2 whole coconuts can produce about 2 quarts of milk, and only less than 2 cups of flour.
*It's not a good idea to lose the blade to your food processor right before you start GAPS.
*Homemade bone broth makes for an amazing chicken soup, with a beautiful layer of fat on top after it's been in the fridge for a couple of hours.
*My dishwasher deserves a hug. Because I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for my dishwasher.

Celebrating a gluten free year- and moving on to the next step!

It's hard to believe, but it's been a whole year since I've gone gluten free! A whole year without deep dish pizza, brownies, or regular bread. And you know what? I honestly don't really even miss those things. There are so many delicious foods that are naturally gluten free, that I really don't even think about the gluten containing foods very often. And when I do, there are decent GF substitutes for most of them. Except deep dish pizza. Haven't found a gluten free substitute for that yet. Thad came home with a deep dish pizza from BJs tonight. I'm not going to lie- I was totally drooling over it. I wouldn't cheat though- last time I accidentally ingested gluten I felt like I was digesting glass for the next 12 hours or so. Totally not fun.


So it's clear that I have some sort of gluten allergy, or an intolerance at the least. My digestive issues have improved since giving up gluten (and like I said- I get a pretty bad reaction if I have just a tiny bit). But I'm still not seeing the results I'd like to. I'm still struggling with chronic diarrhea. I'm still struggling with occasional gas and stomach pain. Things have improved since I cut out gluten(I was having blood in my stool- and trust me, that's pretty freaky), but it's obvious that I still have some underlying digestive issues. So I've decided to take the next step! I've decided to implement the GAPS diet.


The GAPS diet is a very intensive, very restrictive, but also very effective, gut healing diet. Not only is gluten not allowed, but no grains or starches are allowed either. Apparently grains are really hard for the body to digest, and actually aren't very good for you. Who knew?!? Processed foods and sugars of any kind(except for ripe fruit on the later stages of the diet) are also a no-no. There are several different stages, starting with the super restrictive intro and moving forward into what's called "Full GAPS", which you're recommended to stay on for at least 2 years to see full gut healing. This diet is not for the faint of heart! Since processed foods aren't allowed, you have to cook everything yourself- and not things like opening jars of spaghetti sauce either. We're talking homemade bone broth, homemade yogurt, homemade ferments. You know- all the stuff you can just pick up at the grocery store- I'm signing up to make it all myself. Apparently the pre-packaged stuff isn't good for you either. That one's kindof a no-brainer, but it can be easy to forget in this fast food world.


So why would I sign up for this? Because apparently years of what I thought was a decently healthy diet really wasn't. Years of eating out, eating processed grocery store food, hydrogenated oils, and genetically modified foods has damaged my gut- leaving me with a gluten allergy and all kinds of other issues. GAPS stands for Gut And Psychology Syndrome, which is the name of the book by Dr. Natasha Campbell McBride. The first several chapters of the book explain how the digestive system works, and just how harmful eating these damaging foods can be. The wrong diet can leave you with what's called "leaky gut syndrome", which means that you literally have tiny holes in your intestines, and pieces of undigested food(particularly particles from gluten and dairy) can get through the intestinal wall and straight into your bloodstream where they don't belong, and where they're attacked as intruders. When that happens, your body develops an allergic reaction to those substances. I'm guessing this is how my gluten allergy developed, because I haven't had it my whole life. The book goes on to explain how the gut and brain are closely connected, and how leaky gut syndrome can cause all sorts of psychological, neurological, and immunological disorders. The focus of the diet then is to focus on healing the gut, because when the gut is healthy then the body is able to heal itself.


Since the diet is so involved, I've decided to take it slow so that I don't overdo things or get overwhelmed. My goal for the month of January was to read the GAPS book, which I did. I'm now slowly easing into "full GAPS". I was already gluten free, but on the first of January I cut out sugar and stopped drinking milk. Within the past week or two, I've also cut out nearly all grains/starches. I'm also starting to incorporate homemade bone broths and ferments. I'm trying to be patient with myself and give myself room to not have to be perfect right away, since this is a pretty complex process and I do struggle with perfectionism a bit. After I get the full GAPS diet down, I plan to go back into intro and progress through the other stages, and also include the recommended supplements.


I have several issues that I'm hoping to see resolved through doing GAPS:
*Digestive issues/diarrhea- I have diarrhea, every single day. Not fun.
*Depressive symptoms- I've struggled off and on with depression for several years now. The worst year was right before I gave up gluten- and now I'm starting to understand that my gluten allergy/gut issues could have played a big part in that!
*Hormone swings- I'm so, so tired of feeling like a slave to my hormones.
*Allergies- I've had "allergies" year round since I was a teenager.


The awesome news is that with just the changes I've made sofar, I'm already starting to see results!!! The very first day I started drinking bone broth my allergies improved drastically. I could breathe comfortably through my nose for the first time in a long time. Today after about a week and a half of being mostly grain free, I've also seen some big improvements in my digestive issues. Knowing that I'm seeing results even before I've even done the diet perfectly, is very encouraging! I can't wait to see how great I feel at the end of this process!!!

My gluten free story, Part 2

You can read part 1 here...

Tristan's birth was perfect, but that's a story for a different time! When Tristan was about 10 months old, I started getting desperate to find something to help me feel better. Gluten intolerance had been mentioned to me a couple of times in the past, but I was in total denial about it. I didn't want to have to make such a drastic, permanent change to my diet! I always pushed that thought to the back of my head and didn't do any research about it at all. But in January of this year, I read an excellent article in Experience Life magazine about gluten intolerance. It explained everything for me in a way that I had never heard before. I never knew that so many people have a gluten intolerance(they estimate at least 30% of Americans), and that most of them don't even know it! I never knew that gluten intolerance could be linked to depression, auto immune disease, cancer, and many other things. I really started thinking about giving gluten free life a try. I was still hesitant though- it seemed like such a big change. I thought I'd give myself several months to read up on it and really learn about what I was getting into and prepare myself. I think the Lord had other plans for me though, because just about that time my issues started getting really bad. I was in a lot of pain, I was miserable, and I could barely leave the house. I had to do something.

I decided to just jump in head first. I spent a couple of late nights on the computer reading everything I could find about going gluten free. I made out an entire meal plan for a week- breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. It shocked me when I realized that with the way I was currently eating, I was having gluten at every single meal! This was going to be a tough transition! So I got my meal plan in hand, did my grocery shopping, and celebrated my last night of gluten with a piece of ganache-glazed chocolate cake from Carrabbas. My plan was to eat gluten free for a week, and then eat a piece of bread to see if I had a reaction.

The first couple of gluten free days were interesting. My stomach felt calmer than usual. I didn't have any blood in my stool. But I wasn't convinced yet that I had a sensitivity. It was so hard for me to stick to the diet at first that I almost gave up after just 2 or 3 days! Thad talked me into at least finishing out the week that I had planned. I never got around to eating that piece of bread that I was planning on though! About 5 days into eating gluten free, I stopped at Carrabbas to get some dinner after a very crazy day out with the kids. (Seeing a theme? Thad worked at Carrabba's at the time.) Carrabbas has a gluten free menu, which is great. But on this night, the restaurant had just gotten a new kitchen staff that didn't quite know what they were doing yet. They forgot to leave the grill baste(which has gluten) off of my chicken. I was exhausted and starving by that point, and decided to just eat it and see what happened. Within an hour or two, I got really bad diarrhea- and blood. I was pretty sick that night. I knew then that I truly did have a gluten intolerance. I've been gluten free ever since- going on 7 months now!

Going gluten free was hard at first, but honestly not as hard as I thought it would be. For me, planning was the key, quite literally. Since I was nursing, it was especially important for me to have something to eat every couple of hours! But when you're gluten free, it's a lot harder to rely on convenience foods. If you're out doing errands for longer than you expected, you can't just grab a quick burger! If it's been a totally crazy day, you can't just throw together spaghetti and call it dinner. (Although now I know that you can, with rice noodles.) So for the first month or two, I meticulously planned everything, down to every single snack. I had to.

But now that I've been gluten free for 7 months, I've gotten the hang of things. My fridge and pantry are stocked with gluten free snacks that I can grab if I need to. I know what the portable snacks I can take with me are(Larabars!). I've got my go-to dinners that everyone in the family loves. And I know which restaurants I can stop at in an emergency.

It was hard to have to cut out so many staples of my diet, all at once. Gluten is in so many yummy things! But I really tried to make it a positive experience. Instead of thinking about what I couldn't eat anymore, I focused on all of the good foods that I still could eat. And really- those first couple of weeks were kind of fun! I was trying so many new recipes, and new foods that I hadn't tried before or used in a while, and almost all of it was delicious! I also tried to use the gluten free shift as an opportunity to change my diet in other healthy ways. I figured if I was making a big change anyway, why not go all out!? I'm trying to make as much food as I can from real, whole ingredients. I do buy some packaged gluten free things, but I try to leave those for treats, and regularly eat the things that are naturally gluten free.

My gluten free story, Part 1

In case you didn't know, I'm gluten free! In January of this year I discovered that I have a gluten intolerance, and I've been gluten free ever since. Today I'm going to share my gluten free story with you!

My story begins almost 3 years ago, about 9 months after Hayden was born. I'd never struggled with any kind of medical issues before, but around that time I started having some pretty serious digestive issues. TMI ALERT!!! I started having diarrhea every day. Then I started to have blood in my stool. I was seriously freaked out! I'm no expert, but I knew that blood in the stool definitely wasn't something to just ignore. I was having a lot of discomfort as well. I didn't know then what I know now about diet and natural healing methods, so the first thing I did was get a recommendation for a GI doctor. Even though we didn't have insurance at the time, my issues were serious enough that we knew I needed to be seen anyway.

The initial doctor visit was very confusing. She asked several questions and I tried to explain my issues as best as I could. I asked her what she thought could be causing my problems, and why they would have come on like they did. She said that she wouldn't know without some testing, and that she wanted to do a colonoscopy to see what it would find. Then she explained that my issues were probably related to my pregnancy, and that some women have gastrointestinal issues as a result of the changes of pregnancy.

That didn't make sense to me at all! Hayden was already 9 months old. I didn't have any problems during my pregnancy, or even in the first few months afterwards. It didn't seem realistic to me that these issues could be linked to my pregnancy. I was totally freaked out about the colonoscopy! I felt like I had this huge medical weight on my shoulders, and I hadn't even been diagnosed with anything yet. I knew I didn't want to live with a chronic condition, and I definitely didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I was pretty nervous about it, but I didn't know of any other options to find help! 

A couple of weeks later, the colonoscopy date came around. The day before, we picked up the colon clearing drink that I was supposed to take, and I called the clinic just to double check that it was ok for me to drink it while I was nursing. While I had the nurse on the phone, I double checked with her that I was going to be able to nurse right after the procedure the next day. The doctor had told me initially that it would be fine to nurse after I woke up from the anesthesia. But this nurse told me that no, I was going to have to wait 24 hours after the anesthesia to begin nursing again. I started to panic. The nurse told me, "Oh, just pump some milk and have it on hand for her to drink."(And this is just another example of the majority of medical personell being completely incompetent when it comes to breastfeeding. It would have been impossible for me to pump the amount of milk that she'd need in just the 12 hours before the procedure.) So pumping was out, and formula wasn't an option in my mind. I'd nursed Hayden for 9 months without a drop of formula, and I certainly wasn't going to give her any now! I knew that I needed help with my issues, but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my nursing relationship for it. I got off the phone and talked things over with Thad, and we decided to cancel the colonoscopy.

The next year and a half to two years were very hard on me. I tried to learn to live with the issues as best as I could. There were good days and bad days, but on the bad days I was in a lot of pain and it was hard for me to even leave the house. And on top of all that, I got pregnant again just a few months after the canceled colonoscopy. If we didn't have money to spend on doctors before, we certainly didn't now! We were struggling just to pay my midwife. I shared with her about my issues, and she suggested a probiotic. It was a good idea, but didn't help at all. I was disappointed, but just focused on getting through the pregnancy and birth. I'd try to find a solution after I got through that.