It always comes back to connection.

This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of parenting that I've had in a long time. It seems that both kids hit a period of disequilibrium at the same time. It was right on time for Hayden, since she'll be having a birthday at the end of May. I'm not sure why Tristan seems to be hitting it right now too. Either it's just coming a bit late, since he's already had his birthday, or there's just something magical about reaching that three year old mark. That's a well kept secret of parenting, you know. Before you have kids, all you hear about is the "terrible twos". That's a misnomer. The twos are fun. The threes are SO difficult. The terrible twos are a big lie, not to mention a really negative way to talk about your child. But I digress.

 

 

So they've both been in disequilibrium, and it's been difficult. They've both been melting down, seem to have lost all of the maturity they gained over the past year, and have gone back to needing almost constant supervision when they're together. I've definitely been doing a lot of get-off-your-butt parenting, and have been hard to find time to get anything else done. I've particularly been struggling with Hayden. Three, while difficult, I've done before. I know a little of what to expect and that it's totally normal for that age. But I've never done going-on-five before, and so much of the time lately it's seemed like she's morphed into this angry little person that I don't recognize or have the first clue how to handle.

 

 

I've been hanging in there though. I'm experienced enough in parenting now to know that these seasons happen, and that they're not a reflection of my ability as a parent or whether or not my kids will grow up to be productive members of society. They just happen. We just have to try to get through them with as much grace and patience as we can.

 

 

Just like usually happens, I'm learning so much through this process. I've been trying to do everything right and trying to figure out what I could do to help Hayden get through this difficult patch. I thought maybe she needed more big muscle movement, so we've been spending more time than ever outside and at the park. As wonderful as that is, especially in the springtime, it didn't really help. Weird!

 

 

The whole time, I was missing the answer that was staring me in the face. Parenting is all about connection. It always, always, always comes back to connection. If you know me, you know I'm not good with connection. It's a struggle, a stretch for me. I've written before about how Tristan is the one who first taught me how to love, well into my twenties, and while that was an amazing process, it's still a process of growth for me. It's not a switch that can just be turned on, it's a daily process of learning to be vulnerable and make that connection with another human. It's difficult for me, and when I get busy I sometimes forget to focus on practicing it.

 

 

This is counter-productive, of course, because connection is one of the most basic needs of my little girl. I discovered that it was what had been missing almost by accident. Two nights ago I was tired after dinner, and decided to relax on the couch for a couple of minutes before tackling the dishes and bedtime. I turned on the tv to one of those silly cooking competition shows. Hayden snuggled in next to me and we cuddled for twenty minutes or so. It was lovely. How could I have forgotten about this?!? For all the effort I'd been putting in all week to make sure that all her needs were being met, and that I was doing everything I could to be a good parent during a difficult time, I had forgotten about actually connecting with her.

 

 

Her demeanor totally changed after that snuggle session. She seemed like she was the happy little girl that I was used to having around again. We were enjoying each other's company and she seemed to be enjoying life. Wow! And then, unfortunately, an hour later I screwed it up again. Perhaps it's my behaviour that needs more work than hers does. In a moment of frustration(it was the end of the day, remember) I yelled, and in a second's time her countenance fell again. No! I had messed it up again! At least I knew now what I was doing wrong. I apologized, and hugged her. From that next morning, I've been focusing on connecting with her, and it's making all the difference. We still have difficult moments, of course, but I'm learning to help her through them with more patience and grace now that I'm focused on connecting with her.

 

Connection, it always comes back to connection. No matter what else is going on with my kids, I'm learning to remember that connection is always the answer.

 

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To the Boy Who Taught Me How to Love.

Dear son:

When you were born, I had already been married for 4 years and 8 months. I had already been a mother for 21 months. Yet somehow, I had not learned how to love. You were the one that taught me that.

 

Your birth was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was one of the most real experiences of my life. I had said that I wanted to be truly present for your birth, truly in the moment, and I was. I can't even explain how incredible your birth was for me- to go through the pain, the struggle, the agony, while fully experiencing all of it, knowing that you were waiting for me at the end. When that pain finally ended, and then you were there- all 8 pounds, 11 ounces, 15 inch head of you- and I had done it! I had never felt so joyful, so accomplished, so empowered. Your birth was the beginning of something wonderful, and not just because you had entered the world, but also because your presence in it would change me forever.

 

Just 6 hours after you were born, we had to take you in to the hospital. Your lungs didn't assimilate the small amount of fluid like they should have, and you were having trouble breathing. They stuck you with a needle several times, put an iv in your head, and put you in a bassinet in the NICU. I was scared. I was disappointed. But I was also numb. I didn't feel bonded to you yet. I would have done anything to protect you, but not because of the bond that we have now, more because I knew in my head that you were my baby and I'd someday fall in love. The bonding that we should have had right after birth was cut short. When they told me that we had to leave you in the NICU, that we weren't allowed in the room with you from 7-8AM, that everyone had to leave, I didn't fight to stay with you. You weren't even 24 hours old yet, and I left you. I regret that, and I'm forever thankful that nothing happened to you while I was gone.

 

When we got to take you home 2 days later, you and I made up for lost time. My midwife told me to climb into bed with you and stay skin to skin for the next week or two, and we did. Those were beautiful days. Oh, the cuddles. I couldn't stop examining you all over. I couldn't stop taking pictures of you. And we bonded.

 

When you were 6 months old, you taught me that not only was this Attachment Parenting stuff healthy for you, but that they were right about babies being people too. You were playing in the playroom, and I wanted you in the living room where I could keep an eye on you. I picked you up to carry you into the living room, and you started to cry! I froze- surely you couldn't be crying because I was taking you out of the playroom? Sure enough- as soon as I put you back, you stopped crying. I was amazed! You were a little person, and even though you couldn't talk or move around much yet, you had your own opinions and desires. From that day, I started to think about what things were like from your perspective, and how I could show you that your perspective was valuable to me too.

 

When you were about 18 months old you taught me even more about that, about respecting your needs and communicating with you. You still couldn't talk much, but you could understand almost everything I said, and I was learning that very quickly. I learned that I could get you to easily go along with things that were unpleasant for you, but necessary, if I would just explain them to you beforehand and coach you through them. It seems so simple to me now, to just treat you with the same consideration that I would anyone else, but at the time that was a very novel concept to me. Your nearly instant positive responses were an excellent teacher.

 

All of these things helped us to form an amazing bond. I knew what made you tick, and like any baby, you were crazy about your momma. But what I never expected was for that bond to grow even deeper as you made your way through your second year. I had chosen to nurse you, of course, just like I had nursed your sister. She and I had a wonderful 15 months of nursing, and the first 15 months of nursing you were much the same. I never expected a surprise to come along after all the experience I already had. I knew from the beginning I wanted to nurse you for longer, to let you self wean when you were ready, but it totally caught me off guard that it was so very much different than what I had already experienced, both with you and your sister.

 

With Hayden, and at first with you, nursing was a bonding experience, but it was also a functional one. You were hungry; I fed you. Simple as that. Yes, it was wonderful, and of course I treasured it, but at the core it was still an act of necessity. Not so as you got older. You tried food for the first time at 9 months old, but by the time you were 18 months you were crazy about it. You were eating everything you could get your hands on! Even so, your favorite thing in the world was still your num nums, and like I had planned, I continued to nurse you. It was so different for me now though. You weren't a baby anymore- you were growing into a boy! You were walking, talking, playing, interacting! You were eating food, and not just bites here and there, but a regular diet! I knew you didn't need to nurse for sustainment anymore. Our nursing relationship was no longer a mainly functional one, but had become an emotional one.

 

It was both strange and exciting for me at first. I had never experienced anything like it before. Not only did I love you as part of my family, as my child, but I was willingly sharing my body with you- not because you needed it to survive, but just because I loved you. That realization, that sharing of such a deeply tangible part of me with another human being began to open my heart in a way that it never had before. I had never shared myself so freely, so deeply before. It was revolutionary for me!

 

 

And then, as things started to fall apart, you taught me once again how to love. You see, as I was growing closer to you, your sister and I were pulling farther and farther apart. We became enemies. I didn't enjoy being around her. I didn't know how to handle her. I didn't know what to do with the angry feelings inside of me when she did something I didn't approve of. They scared me. I started to hate motherhood. That really scared me. I knew something was really, really wrong. I was starting to suspect that it had to do with the discipline method and mindset that I had. Your sister was getting lots of spankings back then.

 

One day I was looking at you and thought about how someday you would get bigger, and I'd have to spank you just like I spanked your sister. I had barely finished the thought when I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces- just at the thought of doing that to you, of violating your trust in me like that! I knew I could never strike you. Then the sobering, life changing truth dropped into my heart- How could I feel that way about you, while at the same time hitting your sister just about every day, sometimes multiple times a day? What had I done?

 

That thought led me on a journey- to grace, to love, to relearning what I knew about parenting, about grace, and about myself. It ultimately led me to gentle discipline, to learning to disciple the two of you, instead of punishing. I began to change the way I interacted with your sister, and the way that I thought about her. I stopped spanking, and started connecting. I learned how to set boundaries without punishing. I learned to start letting go of my fears and my need for control. Just how I had learned to open my heart with you, I began learning how to open it to others too. The bond that I had lost with your sister is being restored. The bond between your dad and me is more real than ever before.

 

Amazingly, as my heart began to open to love, I began to feel God's love more deeply, and in a more real way than I ever had before. For the first time, and after 26 years of following Him, I truly began to understand just how much He truly loves me. I began to truly follow Him, to long for Him, to love Him and allow Him to love me too. Then I understood that this was His plan all along- that He sent you to me to teach me how to love, to teach me how to draw closer to Him. You were just a baby- of course you didn't know what you were doing, how deeply you were changing me. But He knew, and He used you. Because of Him, and because of you, I'm learning how to truly love, and I feel more alive, more real than I ever have before.

 

I don't know if you'll ever understand this impact that you've had on my life, but I'll always be thankful. Thankful for you, the boy that taught me how to love.

 

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

~ C.S. Lewis

 

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Kids are people too- and how remembering that can make life so much easier.

Today's post is part of the 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline, hosted by Parenting Gently. I'm so excited to be a part of this carnival for the first time this year! Make sure you check out the links at the bottom of this post so that you don't miss the awesome contributions by other gentle discipline bloggers! 





Making the change from punitive discipline to positive discipline doesn't just take a change of methods, it takes a change of heart and a different way of thinking. One of my first big light bulb concepts as I was making the transition was when I started to understand the idea that babies and children are people too! That sounds silly, doesn't it? Of course babies are people- they're human. But do we treat them like they're people? Do we respect them like they are? These questions can be the key, not only to your child's confidence and security levels, but also to building peace and fostering a sense of teamwork in your home.





Picture this: you're at Starbucks for a much needed mommy break. You've ordered your coffee(or if you're me, opened up the mason jar of kombucha that you brought from home), opened up your snacks, and have settled in for some very much needed relax time. This is your favorite part of the day. It's just you and your thoughts. Maybe you're reading a book. Maybe you're writing something. Whatever you're doing, you're thoroughly enjoying it. Then, out of the blue, with no warning or explanation, someone twice your size snatches you out of your chair and whisks you home to a crying baby and a cranky toddler who are both needing to be comforted and fed. How would that make you feel? Confused? Resentful? Grumpy? Would it be easy for you to care for your children with the same level of patience that you normally have? Then imagine the same scenario playing out, except this time you're really hungry, or running on three hours of sleep, or in physical pain. Imagine how upset you'd be then!

Now let's imagine the same scenario, except this time, just as you've gotten settled into your comfy chair with your favorite book, your husband calls. He says, "Baby, I'm really sorry to have to do this to you, but I need you to come home. I know you need your alone time, but I just got a call from work and I have to go in ASAP. I was planning on making dinner tonight, but I can't since I have to go to work. Sorry! I promise I'll make it up to you later." That would feel so much different, right? The problem with the first scenario wasn't so much the taking care of the kids and cooking dinner, as much as the lack of transition and the way that your basic needs were disregarded. This time, your need to know what was going on was respected. Your need for alone time, even though it was cut short, was respected, and there was a promise to make it up later. Your right to control your own body was respected- you got to make the choice to walk out of Starbucks and voluntarily drive home, instead of being forcefully carried there.





The first scenario sounds laughable, doesn't it? We just don't think of treating an adult in those terms. We all know that adults have a right to know what's going on, and the reasons why they're doing something. Most of us wouldn't dream of trying to pick up or push another adult without at least warning them first. Normal, healthy people are well aware of the fact that every person has a right to their own body, and that it belongs to only them. We all know about personal space, personal "bubbles", and that it's generally wrong to touch someone without their consent. These are no brainers- when we're talking about adults.





So why is it different when we're talking about babies, toddlers, and children? A child's size and vulnerability should not make him exempt to these basic human laws, it should make his caregivers more vigilant to follow them.





Lets take the first scenario again, but this time instead of you at Starbucks, it's your toddler playing blocks on the floor. Have you ever been in a hurry to get out the door to go somewhere, and in your rush just scooped your toddler away from whatever he was focusing on and hurried him to the car? I know I have. That doesn't usually go over so well! Blocks or books or whatever else your toddler is playing with might seem trivial to you, but to your toddler they're just as important as whatever it is that you concentrate on.

Concentrating.

It might take some retraining of your own thought patterns, but I've found that transitions become so much easier when I remember to give my kids the respect they deserve and take the time to help them through the transitions.





So how does this work out in real life? For me, it looks something like this. Unless I have a good reason not to, I allow and encourage my kids to make choices themselves and do things themselves. When I do have to impose a decision on them, I explain it to them in an age appropriate way and give them an appropriate amount of time and help in making the transition. I use this with just about any situation that pops up, and it works really well for us. I wish I had started out parenting with this concept in mind, but unfortunately I didn't really start learning about gentle discipline until Tristan was about 18 months old. It blew my mind to see how effective the tools were, even on an 18 month old, and how much easier it was to work through things that had been challenging for me with Hayden.





I still remember one of the first times I tried out this principle on Tristan. Thad, Tristan, and I were sitting in the living room, and for some odd reason Thad had given Tristan his debit card to look at. I know that's weird. I don't remember why. Tristan was playing with the card, and then, of course, Thad needed it back. He asked Tristan to give it back to him, and Tristan pulled it closer and said "no". With Hayden, at that point, I probably would have just snatched it out of her hand and given it back to Thad. I would have thought to myself, "Well if you're going to be stubborn like that and not give it back when it's time, then I'll just take it from you!" *Insert crossed arms and pouty face here. Very mature.* By this time though, I'd just started learning about showing respect to my children, and I didn't want to snatch it away from him- I wanted to encourage him to give it back himself at the appropriate time. So I said, "Tristan, it's time to let daddy have a turn. Say 'bye bye, card!'" As soon as I said that, Tristan reached his little arm out and gave the card right back to Thad! My mind was blown! With just a simple explanation and transition, Tristan had gone from refusing to give something back to willingly giving it up- no force required. How wonderful!!!






At first it was difficult for me to think in this new way- to remember that these little ones were individual people that deserved to be treated like they were. And I'm definitely not saying that I always handle these situations perfectly. But the more I practiced, and the more I saw how effective they tools were, and how I could get my toddlers to peacefully and willingly comply with what I needed them to do, the more natural it started to feel.





Nursing provided another good lesson for me. Anyone that's nursed a toddler knows that it's not a good idea to abruptly stop a nursing session without warning. I tried that once as I was first learning these tools. Tristan was nursing, and for some reason I can't remember, I needed to get up quickly. I unlatched Tristan as if I owned him, and started to get up. His poor little face fell, and he started to cry- that super sad cry that says, "You just broke my heart!" Whatever it was I was rushing to was suddenly unimportant, and I quickly sat back down and latched him back on. As he calmed down, I thought about what I had done, and decided to do an experiment and try something different. Tristan was only about 18 months old at this point, and wasn't talking hardly at all yet, so I wasn't sure how much he'd understand. But after he calmed down, I said, "Hey buddy, mom's going to need to get up in a minute, so you'll need to be all done with num num. I'm going to count to three, and then we'll be all done." I counted slowly, and when I reached three, and he unlatched himself and happily started playing with something else! I couldn't believe how easy that was! Counting to three is still our little signal that nursing time is over. Now that Tristan's older, he'll often unlatch and happily count himself! It's so helpful to have cues like that- they help Tristan to transition, and help me to remember that he's his own person and in control of his own body and his own choices.

I couldn't believe this tiny little guy could understand when I explained that when I counted to three, nursing time was over! I definitely underestimated him!

Now of course, respecting your child's need to make choices for themselves doesn't mean that they can or should be making every choice. When it's appropriate, I believe it's good to allow kids to make decisions and do things themselves. But of course there will always be times when, as a parent, you have to override the child's choice or make one for them. But even at those times, that can still be done while keeping in mind that the child is a person that deserves respect, and to not be trampled on.






For example- Tristan likes to climb in his car seat by himself. Most of the time, that is completely acceptable. I'll buckle Hayden into her seat while Tristan climbs into his, and then I'll buckle him and we'll go on our way. But not always. Last Sunday at church, the air conditioner wasn't working right. It was 80 degrees in the service, 10 degrees hotter than we're used to. After several hours of being hot(remember, Thad is the pastor, so we have to be there early and stay late),it was finally time to go home, and I carried all our stuff out to the car. I was so ready to sit down in that seat with the air vent blowing on me, when Tristan announced that he had a "stinky bum bum".

He loves to climb in himself!

Just what I wanted- to go back inside the stifling hot building and change a dirty diaper. I was sweating. It was 90 degrees outside, and the sun was beating down. I had just been through several hours of interacting with people, which is already exhausting for an introvert like me, and then I was dealing with the heat at the same time. I was touched out, irritated, and on edge. I seriously needed some air conditioning and some time to sit down and regain the sanity that I was barely holding onto at that point. I had already let Tristan climb into his car seat once, before he announced the dirty diaper, and I didn't have the patience left to let him do it again.





I knew if I just tried to put him into his seat, he'd throw an absolute fit. Tried that before. Total. Meltdown. This time, I tried something new. The whole time I was changing his diaper, I explained to him what was going to happen. I reminded him how he usually likes to climb into his seat by himself when we were getting into the car. Then I explained that he wasn't going to get to do that this time, and that mommy was just going to set him into his seat. He said that would be ok. As we walked out to the car, I reminded him again, twice, that instead of climbing into his seat, Mommy would be setting him up there this time. As we got to the seat, I said, "Ok, here we go, Mommy's putting you into your seat now!" There was absolutely no fussing! Not even a peep. Just because I explained it to him and gave him a heads up, he willingly let me do something that he normally would have absolutely freaked out over. It's amazing how far a little respect can go.






If this is a new concept for you, I encourage you to give it a little thought, and maybe try an experiment or two and see how your child reacts. Just put yourself in their shoes, and ask yourself what you could do to help your child make a transition, or to help them accept doing something that's necessary but not particularly pleasant. When you do have to impose something on them, try to remember to empathyze with them and validate their feelings. These principles have gone a long way in helping me build my relationships with my kids, and it feels really good when we work together towards something that we can all be happy about. I hope you find them helpful too.





I'd love it if you would share your experiences in the comments- whether you've been using similar principles for years, or whether this concept is brand new to you and you're trying it for the first time! Thanks for reading.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis. We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win! This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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I'm guest posting, and coming out of the no-spanking closet

I'm so honored to be guest posting at Dulce de Leche's blog today! I have a lot of respect for her and all the great things that she's shared on her blog. I appreciate her giving me the opportunity!


And with that post, I'm officially coming out of the closet. I don't believe in spanking anymore. I've stopped spanking my kids(well, kid, really, Tristan's never been spanked), and I don't intend to ever start up again. Shocking, right? But I've learned so much over the past couple of months, and grown so much in my relationships with my kids and my skills as a parent. I'll be sharing more about my decision in the near future, and about methods for disciplining kids and setting healthy boundaries without spanking- it's possible! But for now just check out my post on Dulce's blog, and while you're there check out some of her other posts- it's all good stuff!