The Proverbs 31 Woman You Never Knew

This week, I read Half the Church by Carolyn Custis James. I'm not going to go into details about what a total game changer this book is, how much it changed my outlook and inspired me, or how much you should really, really go read it. (Psst- the Kindle edition is still only $1.99.) No, I'm not getting paid to talk about this book- it's just that good.

 


Instead of talking about all that, today I just want to talk about one tiny little point that was mentioned in the book- something that totally grabbed me and inspired me. Today I want to talk about the elusive "Proverbs 31 woman". You know, the famed "Virtuous Woman". Virtuous woman- what does that even mean?

 

 

Dictionary.com says that virtuous means "conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright". I asked the "likers" on the blog's Facebook page what the word "virtuous" made them think of. They came up with words like, honorable, integrity, noble, kind, just, and principled. Two people said that it made them think of someone that has strong convictions and lives up to them. One person said that the word virtuous made her think of the Proverbs 31 woman. Not surprising, considering that most of us know Proverbs 31:10 to say this:


 

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

 


That's something we all want to be, right? All of those words listed above are definitely things that I want to be true of my life. But what if I told you that the Proverbs 31 woman wasn't actually a "virtuous woman"? What if I told you that when you look at the actual Hebrew words, and not the translator's interpretation of the Hebrew words, this scripture means something totally different?

 

 

The Hebrew word for the word virtuous in Proverbs 31:10 is the word chayil. While virtue is a very good thing, something that we all want to have, and surely even a word that could have been used to describe the Proverbs 31 woman, it's not the word that was used to describe the Proverbs 31 woman. Chayil means something totally different.

 


According to my Blue Letter Bible concordance, the word chayil means strength, might, efficiency, wealth, army, ability, and force. Wow- that's a bit different from the picture I get when I think "virtuous". Chayil is a battle word, used most often to describe the strength of an army in battle. It's most often translated as "army", and is also translated as the words man of valor, host, forces, valiant, strength, riches, wealth, power, and so on.

 


That's quite a different meaning than the meaning of "virtuous", wouldn't you say? I also asked the readers on my Facebook page what things the word valiant brought to their minds, and while some of the answers were similar to what they said for virtuous, they also said things like courageous and fearless. One person said that they thought that a valiant person wouldn't be afraid to be a voice for those that can't advocate for themselves. Another person said the word brought to mind an animated film about a pigeon in a war(fitting, since Biblically this is a battle word), and another told an inspiring story about how her grandmother overcame many hardships in her life. Cool stuff! Dictionary.com says that valiant means "boldly courageous; brave; stout-hearted; marked by or showing bravery or valor; heroic".

 

 

Maybe you're wondering if chayil can't mean both things- maybe it could mean virtuous and valiant/strong/powerful? Not only does chayil's definition not have anything to do with the word virtuous, but get this- chayil is only translated as virtuous when it's being used to describe women. Now I'm no Hebrew expert, but even I know that's awful translating- and it also shows the male bias of the people doing the translating. You don't get to change the meaning of a Hebrew word just because it's being used to describe a woman and not a man. If the original author of this passage, inspired by the Holy Spirit, had wanted to describe the Proverbs 31 woman as virtuous, he could have used a word that meant virtuous. But he didn't! He used a word that means strong, valiant, powerful like an army, and he used it to describe not only a woman, but one of the most esteemed women in the entire Bible.

 

 

So lets read that scripture again, but this time with the proper understanding of the word chayil. I'll try it a couple of different ways, and you can see how these hit you.

"Who can find a valiant woman? for her value is far above rubies."

"Who can find a woman as strong as an army? for her value is above rubies."

"Who can find a mighty woman? for her value is above rubies."

Wow! That's such a different picture! This is definitely the kind of woman that I want to be. This translation brings to mind the famous saying, "Well behaved women seldom make history." It takes a valiant, strong, courageous woman to make history- and those women are to be celebrated!

 

 

The sad thing, of course, is that people, especially church people, tend to be afraid of powerful women. But God says that a valiant, powerful woman is someone to be praised! What if we stopped being afraid of powerful women, and actually started embracing the good that they can bring to the world and the church? What if Godly Christian men accepted, encouraged, supported, and learned from their strong Christian sisters instead of being intimidated by them? What if we raised our daughters with these qualities in mind for their future? What if we stopped telling half the church that they're just supposed to be virtuous, and not also valiant? How much more could be done for the kingdom?

 

 

Women have so much to offer the world and the church. I think it's high time for the church to stop telling women that their only callings and giftings lie in the home and with their children. We're not called to only be virtuous, gentle women- we're also called to be valiant in battle.


 

 

"God is shaking his daughters awake and summoning us to engage. His vision for us is affirming and raises the bar for all of us. We cannot settle for less. We have work to do. There's a kingdom to build, and what we do truly matters. Our compass is fixed on Jesus. We can no longer listen to those who call on us to love him with less than all our heart and soul and strength and mind."

~ Carolyn Custis James, Half the Church, p192.

Posted with Blogsy

More on the Applebee's Nurse-In, and Some Mixed Feelings from Me

The Applebee's nurse in is happening today. In fact, it will probably be underway by the time I finish writing this post. Yes, that's right, I didn't end up going. More on that later.



I woke up this morning to this post by Best For Babes. The first part of the post includes an apology letter from the CEO and Chairman of DineEquity, Inc (I assume Applebee's is a part of that corporation). Julia Stewart said:

Dawn,
I am truly sorry that we haven’t connected. As soon as I learned about your experience, I wanted to reach out directly – not just as the CEO of our restaurants, but as a mom that nursed my own kids. I have my share of unfortunate memories from nursing in public and understand how you feel. I want to apologize personally for what happened. I also want to assure you the regrettable situation you encountered as our guest is unacceptable and completely contrary to how nursing moms are accommodated at thousands of Applebee’s on virtually any given day. We checked with your lawyer last week and she okayed my calling you. I tried you a couple of times and left messages with my number, so please feel free to call. While I know it doesn’t change what you encountered, I also wanted to let you know that the franchisee of the restaurant you visited took action to correct the manager’s mistake and she now knows better. We also took the opportunity to use this incident as a teachable moment and notified all Applebee’s restaurants about the proper policies and procedures for welcoming nursing moms to our restaurants – just to be doubly sure. While of course I can’t take back what happened, I can make sure we work even harder than usual to try and avoid anyone else having the same problem at any of our restaurants. Again, as a mom and the CEO, you have my promise that we and our franchisees will be even more vigilant on this issue.

Sincerely
Julia Stewart, Chairman & CEO, DineEquity, Inc.

I thought that was an awesome apology. This is obviously not a form letter thoughtlessly sent out from a big corporation, but a thought felt, personal apology from the company's CEO- who just happens to be a former nursing mom who apparently had some negative nursing in public incidents herself. That's a pretty big deal, and I applaud Julia for taking the time to reach out to Dawn in this way.



Best for Babes went on to say that even though this great apology has been issued, that a nurse-in is still called for. Danielle and Bettina write:

"The reason is, because day in and day out, mothers continue to be harassed, humiliated and discriminated against for choosing to breastfeed.  Not just at Applebee’s, which had a major harassment incident 5 years ago, and not just at Target, where the harassment and  lack of a proper response precipitated what was perhaps the largest nurse-in  in history.   The truth is that “Target mom” and Best for Babes Volunteer Director of Activism Michelle Hickman is getting a call almost every other day from a distressed mother who was harassed on the bus, at the airport, at a fitness club, at school.    That’s a lot of mothers, and it’s not right that they should suffer maltreatment.  What if we only hear from the moms who are upset, and not from the ones who fear public disapproval, and decide breastfeeding is just too hard, giving up before they can reap the benefits, or before they reached their personal goals?"

I can see that point of view. Women really do get harassed for nursing in public every day, and I could go on and on about how completely unacceptable that is, and how damaging those attitudes are to women, babies, and society in general. Sit-ins and nurse-ins have been effective vehicles for change in the past. I'm 100% in favor of women being free to nurse whenever, wherever without the fear of harassment.



However, I do have to admit that I have some mixed feelings here. Yes, even after that zealous post that  I wrote on Monday. Apologies have been issued- and not just formalities, but genuine, heartfelt apologies. Honestly, I don't feel 100% comfortable with the idea of standing outside of an Applebee's location with a protest sign(especially one where the incident didn't even occur), when Applebee's has sincerely apologized. Again, there are mixed feelings here, because while I feel that one one side, the other side of me says, "How could you NOT do something to speak out- this nursing mother had the COPS called on her for goodness sake!" Even with those mixed feelings, the issue of holding a protest sign quickly became a non-issue, because it's been raining all morning, and it would likely have been impossible to hold a protest sign outside of the store anyway.



I'm not anti-nurse in. I went to the Pure Fitness nurse in last year. I went to the actual location where the incident occurred, and where no apology had been issued. In fact they were so against nursing in public that some of the gym members actually held a counter-protest while we were protesting! I went to the Target nurse-in in December. Again, I was at the actual location where the incident occurred, but I still would have gone if I lived somewhere else. Target didn't issue an apology, and while there was an element of protest to the nurse-in event, the attitude was more one of normalizing nursing, not coming down on Target.

See? There's me at a nurse in, holding a protest sign. 

I think that's what most of the moms that are going to Applebee's today are planning to do as well. They're probably going to sit down, order some food, and nurse their babies- just like they would on any normal day, even without a nurse-in scheduled. I'm all for that- but that's also another big reason why I didn't go today. I'm allergic to gluten, so I can't eat anything on the Applebee's menu. My nursling is 2.5 years old, and we don't nurse in public anymore. He just doesn't need to. So if I did take my kids with me and go, we'd sit down at a table, not order any food, not nurse, and do what exactly? I dunno, even knowing that I'd leave a good tip for the waitress for her time, I'd still feel awkward doing that- just sitting there with my 2 kids and not eating anything, to make a point about nursing in public, which I wouldn't even be doing. So, taking into account my mixed feelings about the whole thing, and the fact that I wouldn't even actually be doing anything there, I decided to stay home.



This is the part about blogging that sucks. Because at some point, you're either going to have to be dishonest, or show some of your flaws. Guess what- I have flaws! I don't have everything figured out. I change my mind sometimes. I get confused sometimes. I say one thing and do another. It's never on purpose, but it happens. But the one thing that I do always try to do is to stay honest and true to myself- to what I'm feeling, thinking, and needing, and to what I believe. And today, all things considered, that means not showing up at the nurse in this afternoon, and being honest about the reasons why.



I'm not against those that went. I totally understand Best for Babes' point about why the nurse-in is still necessary, and there's a big part of me that agrees. But even though it makes me feel like a crummy "lactivist", it just wasn't the right fit for me to go up there today. I do extend well wishes to those that are going, and I hope that they're able to represent the cause well and do much to normalize nursing.

Another Nursing Mom Harassed- This Time with a Shocking Twist

*** UPDATE 9/25 ***

As of yesterday, Applebee's issued a new statement, one that looks a little more like an actual apology!

This is good news, right? Not so fast.

 

 

First of all, they only posted this new statement on the "Applebee's | COVINGTON" page, which has a whopping 160 likes. There's absolutely no mention of the incident or how sorry they are for the way Dawn was treated on their main Facebook page, which has nearly 3.5 million likes. I also haven't seen this apology in any of the news articles or other coverage of the incident. If Applebee's really wanted Dawn and everyone else to know how sorry they are, wouldn't they be making this statement a little more public?

 

 

And what of the fact that Applebee's claims to have attempted to contact Dawn personally, apparently with no response on her end? We asked Dawn about that, and this is what she said:

 

So let me get this straight- Applebee's didn't make any contact with Dawn, or attempt to apologize to her until after they found out that she had retained a lawyer? Call me a cynic, but that doesn't exactly make the apology seem genuine to me, especially with the other details taken into account. But I'm just one momma- take from it what you will.

 

 

*** END UPDATE ***

 

 

It's happening all over again, y'all. Yet another breastfeeding mom has been harassed for nursing in public, but this time the story is even more shocking.

 

 

On September 15th, Dawn Holland was in a booth in the back of an Applebee's restaurant in Georgia, nursing her 20 month old son. The restaurant manager came up to Dawn and told her that what she was doing was inappropriate, and that she'd either need to stop or take her son into the bathroom to nurse him. Dawn refused to do either, and asked the manager to look up the Georgia law on breastfeeding, which clearly states that women are free to nurse their children anywhere they are legally allowed to be.

 

 

I'm sure most of my readers have already seen this story and know what happened next. But if you haven't, just take half a second and guess. Manager asks mom to nurse in the bathroom, mom refuses and asks manager to look up the state law. Logically, a couple of scenarios could have played out. The manager could have walked back to her office, done a quick google, and realized that Dawn did, in fact, have the right to nurse in the restaurant! Aside from the initial harassement and lack of understanding of basic human biology, that sounds somewhat reasonable conclusion to the incident. Or maybe the manager refused to budge, and Dawn and her children left, frustrated and offended. That's been the outcome of several similar nursing in public harassment incidents.

 

 

But neither of those scenarios are what actually happened. Not only did the manager not go look up the Georgia law, not only did she continue to insist that Dawn stop nursing or go to the bathroom, she proceeded to CALL THE POLICE. Yep, you read that right. When faced with a peaceful, nursing mother in her restaurant, this manager decided the right course of action was to call the police.

 

 

Say what???

 

 

I'm really trying not to be rude. But I honestly don't understand what in the world would posess someone to call the actual police because a mother is nursing her child! Don't the police have actual crimes to stop? What kind of person would think that the act of a mother feeding her child is not only offensive, but a crime worth calling the police over? Consider my mind blown.

 

 

Of course, the police didn't give Dawn a citation of any sort, because they said that it was a civil issue. (How about the fact that Dawn was fully protected under Georgia law?) Dawn is still waiting for an apology, by the way, just like Michelle Hickman is still waiting for one from Target where she was harassed for nursing last December. (Side note- wanna see me on the news? Click that link and watch the video.) Applebee's has issued a public statement, but it falls far short of being an actual apology. They said (my comments in orange):

 

 

"We're in the business of welcoming guests to our restaurants and our top priority is always to provide a friendly and comfortable environment for everyone, including nursing mothers who have the right to nurse in public.(Look at that- Applebee's can regurgitate Georgia law! Now can they take it a step further and actually apologize to Dawn?) This was an unfortunate misunderstanding(A what? A misunderstanding? What exactly was it that was misunderstood? The fact that nursing is the biologically normal way to feed a child, not a crime worth calling the police over? Yeah, there was definitely a misunderstanding there. Maybe the fact that Dawn was harassed and humiliated when she had done absolutely nothing wrong, and deserves an apology? Yes, you've obviously misunderstood that too, Applebee's, given the fact that you haven't even had the decency to apologize to her!) and we hope the guest will give us another chance to demonstrate that to her personally. (Really? You harass this woman, call the police on her for absolutely no reason, weasel your way out of an actual apology by calling the whole thing a "unfortunate misunderstanding", and then you expect her to actually darken your doorstep and give you another chance? I'm betting that's not going to happen.)"

 

 

Yeah, really good job there, Applebee's.

 

 

The other thing that really frustrates me about this entire incident is that the manager that called the police on Dawn was a woman! I shouldn't still be surprised by this, but I am. Silly me for expecting women to stick up for each other, and understand the basic concepts of motherhood and female biology! We've seen this before, of course, most notably(for this blog, anyway) during the Pure Fitness incident when Penny Schlanser was harassed for nursing in a women only gym. The women that were offended by Penny nursing even came out and held their own counter protest during our nurse in.

 

 

As usual when a nursing mom is harassed, especially in such a blatant manner as Dawn was, the nursing community has organized a nurse-in, which is to be held on Saturday, September 29th from 1-3PM at Applebee's locations all across the country. I plan to be there with a sign saying something like "Breastfeeding isn't a Crime" or "Nursing is Normal" or "End Discrimination against Nursing Mothers". This has got to stop, y'all. For every nursing mom who gets harassed and makes the news for it, there are at least dozens more that we don't ever hear about. It's completely unacceptable that women are still being harassed for taking care of their children in the most basic way possible.

 

Here are some links if you want to dig a little deeper:

 

News coverage of the incident, including a news segment and an interview with Dawn.

 

Dawn is also scheduled to be on Katie Couric's new show on Wednesday. Lets hope Katie is more supportive of breastfeeding on the air than she is on her website, where she posted this gem. She asks, "Should women breastfeed in public?" Gosh, I dunno, Katie. Should women bottle feed in public? Should mothers feed Cheerios to their todders in public? Should adults eat sandwiches in public? Are we really still asking this question? I sincerely hope Katie educates herself on both this issue and the law before her interview with Dawn on Wednesday.

 

 

If you want to take part in the nurse-in as well, I encourage you to visit the Facebook group where it's being organized. There's a list of local nurse-in's by state, many with their own Facebook group for more localized organizing.

 

 

If this will be your first nurse-in, I encourage you to check out this information from Best for Babes about nurse-ins. It explains what to expect, what the point of a nurse in is, and what to do and not do during the nurse-in.

 

 

Let's do this! We'll continue to stand for nursing mothers and babies until breastfeeding becomes so normal that no one bats an eye at it- and especially until nursing mothers don't have to fear having the police called on them.

 

Posted with Blogsy

When is this going to stop???

Sometime last week I came across a news story about yet another woman who was rudely asked to stop nursing her baby. This time it wasn't in a woman's only gym, or in Target. Nope- this momma was nursing her baby in the waiting room of the Texas Attorney General's office. That's right- she was in a government office and was told harshly that she needed to find another place to nurse.

 

You'd think, of all people, that those in public office or working for the government would be aware of the laws protecting breastfeeding moms. You'd think that government offices would be a safe place to exercise your legal rights without harassment. But apparently not, at least not in Julie Helmke's case.

 

Obviously I'm mad that yet another mom has been humiliated and harassed for nursing her baby. But you know what else makes me mad? The utter lack of support in this society for moms, especially new moms. Julie's baby was only 6 weeks old. I don't know Julie, so I'm not trying to make assumptions about her specifically, but for the vast majority of women, 6 weeks postpartum is a very trying time, both physically and emotionally. When Julie was harassed, she was in the child support waiting room of the attorney general's office. She was waiting to speak to her case worker, presumably about child support. (Again, I'm not trying to make personal assumptions about Julie, but why else would she be there?) If a woman is to be receiving child support, that can only mean one thing- that her relationship with the child's father is no longer intact. Add that to the fact that she was 6 weeks postpartum, and that's a lot of stress for one new momma to handle. She deserves society's support. She does not deserve to be harassed and humiliated for FEEDING HER BABY.

 

When is this going to stop? When will we finally realize that nursing is normal? When will we finally start to realize the value and importance of mothers, and give them the respect and support that they deserve?

 

Why is it culturally acceptable for Christina Aguilara to wear this on national tv, but it's not culturally acceptable for a mom to nurse her baby in public? The hypocrisy astounds me.

Respect for women?

So lets talk a little bit about that. One of the counter-protester's signs said "Pure Fitness: Respect for Women". To her that meant that PF was respecting a mother's right to choose when and how to explain to her son about breastfeeding. She felt that her parental rights were violated when her son saw someone breastfeeding before she was ready for him to, and without her there to explain what was going on.

I could talk about why it's so important for children to see breast feeding, and why it's actually a really good thing. But I'm going to save that for another post. Today I just want to talk about respect for women.


Would you ever dream of telling another woman what she should or shouldn't wear? Let's say you only feel comfortable wearing a one piece swimsuit to the beach. That's fine- it's your body, your choice. But would you walk up to a woman who was wearing a bikini and tell her that she needed to cover up? Of course not! It's her body- her choice what to wear. It would be disrespectful for you to walk up to another woman and assume that you had the right to tell her what to wear or not to wear, and which parts of her body needed to be covered.


Let's look at it from a bit of a different angle. Respect for women. In my mind, there is nothing more womanly than the acts of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. These are things that only women can do. These acts are necessary for our species to survive. It doesn't get more basic, more instinctual, more womanly than this! In the past, women supported each other and taught each other about these things. They were a normal part of life. I wonder what has happened to our society when it's ok for a nursing mother to be shamed and put down by another mother! This should not be happening. When we're telling a mom that her most basic act of caring for her child is something to be ashamed of or hidden- that is disrespectful to women on the most basic level.


When a mom is told that she has to use a cover, or that she has to find a private location, or has to pump and feed her child with a bottle, it sends the message that her breasts are something to be hidden. She's told that her breasts are something to be ashamed of. And why? Because her breasts are sexual objects. If we only see breasts as something sexual, then we'll think that they need to be hidden. We might as well be saying, "Okay, I guess you can use your sex toys to feed your baby, but if you really must do that, you need to keep it under wraps. No one wants to see you using your breasts for a non-sexual purpose." See how degrading that is? See how limiting that is?

Some people argue- why can't the nursing mom just use a cover/pump and bring a bottle/sit in her car/stay at home? Well, why can't she? Besides the obvious answer, that it's her choice to do or not do any of those things, there are other truly legitimate reasons as well. Some babies won't nurse if they're covered up. Some people might like to eat with a blanket on their head, but others don't. That's pretty reasonable. You know what- maybe she just forgot her nursing cover at home, but baby is still hungry! As far as pumping- some women's bodies don't respond to a pump. Some babies(mine included) won't take a bottle. Pumping and bottle feeding was literally not an option for me, and it's not for a lot of women. Why couldn't she just sit in her car? Maybe she was dropped off wherever she was. Maybe she took the bus. Maybe it's 100 degrees outside, and her car doesn't have air conditioning. Staying at home is the most ridiculous option of all- would you want to be stuck inside your home for an entire year or even longer? I know I wouldn't. That's not a feasible option for any mother, and to even suggest that as an option is truly ignorant.

My point is that you can't paint all women with the same brush. You don't know my circumstances, and I don't know yours. Breast feeding is so important to the health and well-being of both mother and child, and it needs to be supported unequivocally, without reservation or exception. When you assume that a mother could or should have done things differently, you put her into a box- and that, my friend, is disrespectful.


I'm sure there are some people that have been reading, and have made it this far, and still disagree with me. But before you leave, and think that I'm wrong, I want you to take a look at one picture. I want you to really take a look at it- soak it in and really think about what it means.

There is a (presumably) Muslim woman, in a burqa, with her face covered. And yet she has her breast completely exposed to feed her child. Here in our "enlightened" culture, we see the burqa as oppressive. We argue that it objectifies women, that it places extreme limitations on women, and that it degrades them. And yet we don't realize that we're doing the exact same thing when we tell women that they must hide breastfeeding.