I think I'm finally getting to the place where I can say that. And I'm realizing how blind I've been.
You see, I want more out of life. I want to go places and do things. I want to learn, teach, and help people. I want to get an education. I want to prove, to the world and myself, that I can be more and do more. That I am something extraordinary. That I can DO something extraordinary. That I can change the world in a way that no one else can.
But it hasn't always been this way. I haven't always felt this way. Growing up, I wasn't exactly encouraged to want great things. I was taught that a woman's place is at home, and for her to desire anything else was wrong. I wasn't taught to think for myself. I wasn't taught to dream for myself. I didn't go to college(well, to be honest I've had 2 semesters at a community college, but those hardly count); I didn't have aspirations beyond being a wife and mom. I was placed into a box, and I was comfortable there. I thought I liked it there. But I wasn't happy. I wasn't fulfilled. And sometime in the past couple of years, the box has been opened, and I'm seeing just how much world there is out there. And I want it.
I've spent some time mourning over what I missed: a normal adolescent experience, the college experience, the pride of accomplishment. I missed that feeling of being 19 years old, full of youth and zeal, ready to take on the world. I feel that way now, except now I'm 25 and have 2 babies. And that's where the wrench is thrown in. For the first time in my life, I've got drive and passion and a desire to do something. But I'm 25 and I have 2 babies, and multiple other circumstances in my life that are preventing me from doing something right. now. (And no, I'm not making excuses. I legitimately don't have a way to go to school or do much of anything right now. My outlets are my part time job (which me having that is a miracle in and of itself) and this blog). And I've been frustrated. I've kicked and screamed inside. I've pushed the issue, looking for any way to get to school, to make something happen. And all the doors have been closed.
And I'm starting to realize something. It's not time for that yet. Or at least, it's not time for that to be my focus, my purpose. Right now, while my babies are small, is my time to give myself fully to them. Right now, while my husband is pouring his heart and soul into planting a church, is my time to give of myself to him. What a gift would it be for me to willingly care for the home and the babies for a time so that he is able to do these things that he's been called to do? It's my time to sacrifice for them.
And suddenly now in realizing that, it all seems a little easier. The late nights up with the babies, the cooking and cleaning, the endless nights at home alone while my husband is out working- they all seem worthwhile now. I'm not just biding my time until I can get out there in the world and make a difference. I'm right here in the place I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. My family needs me. My children need me. They'll only be small once, and if I don't pour my heart and soul into them now, if I'm thinking too much of the future and the things I could be doing instead, what an opportunity I will have missed.
And here's where I'm thankful for what I've missed. Because if it weren't for all I've missed, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't even have the dreams and goals I have right now if it weren't for my children. My desire to be a midwife, a lactation consultant, childbirth educator, or CPST; my desire to write, teach, and share about natural parenting- it comes from my children. If it weren't for them I wouldn't know the importance of these things and the passion that they awake in my heart. So I'm thankful for missed opportunities. I'm thankful that I didn't waste years of my life doing something that I wasn't passionate about. I'm thankful for the true passions I have now that I'll one day be able to share with the world.
My time will come. It will, because I'm determined to reach my dreams. I have a fire in my soul and I have no doubt that I'll one day share that with the world. But that time is not now. Now is my time to give to my family. Now is my time to willingly sacrifice my dreams, my goals, my very life, for my family. They need me. And finally, I am willing. And I believe that this shift in my attitude will make all the difference in the world to them.
Thank God for all I've missed... 'cause it led me here to THIS!
And yes, those are lyrics to a Darius Rucker song. It's amazing.