Monday, March 12, 2012


I'm frustrated with life right now. I feel tied down, trapped, stifled. I don't get out much. I don't get away from the kids much. I don't feel like I get to use my brain much.

138/365 Frustrated.

We're a one car family right now. My husband is a pastor- a pastor of a freshly planted church. It takes a lot of time and hard work to plant a church. He's very busy and works very hard, which means that he's gone a lot. Don't get me wrong- I'm very thankful that he works so hard. I'm thankful that the church is growing, and I'm especially thankful that my husband is finally getting to do something that he loves and is passionate about.


But honestly? It kindof sucks for me right now. Most days, I'm stuck at home without a car. (I say most days because I don't like to exaggerate, but it's really more like every day.)My husband works all hours of the day and night- every day. I do all of the childcare, all of the cooking, all of the housework, and all of the laundry. Every meal. Every snack. Every trip to the park. Every fight broken up. Every diaper changed and bottom wiped. Every meal cooked, dishes washed, and floor swept. Every bathtime and every bedtime.


My brain feels like it's slowly wasting away from disuse. Maybe I'm just not creative enough, but I haven't figured out a way to do anything mentally stimulating while the kids are awake, and once they're asleep I'm usually too tired from everything else to do much besides surf the net and watch tv.


There's so much I want to do. I want to be a doula. I want to help mothers and babies. I want to do something in the world of natural birth/breastfeeding/parenting. I want to put all the passion in my heart and the potential in my head to good use. But it's just not possible right now. Even beyond something like that, I'd like to even just have time to read a good book and write out some of my thoughts. But I can't even find the time to do that. This blog is my only real creative outlet right now, and obviously I don't even post much. I want to build relationships with people and have actual friendships- it's a long story, but that's a real area of weakness for me, plus I'm an introvert so that makes it even harder. I know now that relationships are important. I know that we all need friends. It's something I really want to work on- but how can I cultivate friendships when I hardly ever get to leave the house?


I'm sure there's a solution out there somewhere for me. But honestly? I'm just so tired of looking for it. I'm tired of having to fight so freaking hard just for some productive time to myself. I'm so worn out by the effort it takes just to survive right now, that I don't have much energy left to try out another solution that's probably going to fail. I want to be able to enjoy these precious moments with my babies, but most days I just feel so trapped by the monotony of all the same chores and nothing interesting for my brain to engage in that it's hard for me to look past that and enjoy the fun moments with my kids. I know I could be a better mom and a better person if I had time to recharge, to keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy. But right now I feel like I'm just treading water, and just barely keeping myself afloat. And I'm not sure what to do about that.


  1. I can sympathize about feeling your brain is wasting away. I'll throw some ideas out here, not knowing if any of them are practical for you. Do you live near a bus line? Could you read literature in the evenings? (I recently reread Little Women, which isn't a difficult read, but still left me feeling like I'd used my brain on something worthwhile.) Would you get pleasure & a sense of fulfillment out of teaching your kids something new - maybe learning about a famous artist and then doing crafts? Could you invite someone from church over to visit with you for a couple hours - someone who seems lonely or maybe another mom who is also feeling overwhelmed? They might leap at the chance for adult conversation! Just ideas, any way... but know that you're not the only mom feeling this way.

  2. I understand how you feel! I'm staying home with our daughter right now (probably until the middle of next year) and my husband works. He's not gone all the time but he is gone most of the day. He hates his job, but it's all there is available right now, and he knows it just has to last until my job becomes available and then we are going to switch so he has a chance to work on his dreams/aspirations. Of course he'll be taking over the house and child care so good luck to him! I don't think he realizes how much work that really entails, it's hard to get anything done when you only have 10 minutes here or 30 minutes there, and there's always laundry and dishes and meals to plan. We only have one car too, sometimes my mom will come over and take us to the store or watch Ema while I go do some errands, but I hate having to ask her to do that. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be home, but it's nice to vent about this stuff because my husband doesn't want to hear it since he has to go to a job he can't stand every day! I started doing something a few months ago that has really helped me feel better, and that's running. My mom will come over and watch Ema for a hour and let me go run (she's a runner so she has no problem doing that because she has been trying to get me to start running for like 2 years lol). It really helps to get outside for awhile. I didn't realize how much time I was spending inside. Don't feel bad for venting- it's gotta come out sometime!

  3. I totally understand. The only person around that can hang out with me is my mother, but she has her own life and I feel that she took care of me so long by herself as a single parent (along with my sister) that I owe her time to herself.

    It's just so hard not having a car to go anywhere, and I don't live in exactly the nicest neighborhood around, so usually when I walk, I have my phone in my hand, with 911 on speed dial!

    It's been like this since DS was born 7.5 months ago. I've stayed at home every single day, changed nearly every diaper (with the exception of like, 2!), cleaned, cooked, not been to the bathroom alone ... Agh. And at the end of the night I just want to collapse. I hardly have any time for even working out because I'm just so dead tired, mostly from stress and restlessness that I've felt all day long. I've tried reading, but I don't have an attention span for that stuff anymore. I blame letting the baby watch an episode of Sesame Street once a day for my brain eroding thusly.

    Are you still feeling this way?