I'm frustrated with life right now. I feel tied down, trapped, stifled. I don't get out much. I don't get away from the kids much. I don't feel like I get to use my brain much.
We're a one car family right now. My husband is a pastor- a pastor of a freshly planted church. It takes a lot of time and hard work to plant a church. He's very busy and works very hard, which means that he's gone a lot. Don't get me wrong- I'm very thankful that he works so hard. I'm thankful that the church is growing, and I'm especially thankful that my husband is finally getting to do something that he loves and is passionate about.
But honestly? It kindof sucks for me right now. Most days, I'm stuck at home without a car. (I say most days because I don't like to exaggerate, but it's really more like every day.)My husband works all hours of the day and night- every day. I do all of the childcare, all of the cooking, all of the housework, and all of the laundry. Every meal. Every snack. Every trip to the park. Every fight broken up. Every diaper changed and bottom wiped. Every meal cooked, dishes washed, and floor swept. Every bathtime and every bedtime.
My brain feels like it's slowly wasting away from disuse. Maybe I'm just not creative enough, but I haven't figured out a way to do anything mentally stimulating while the kids are awake, and once they're asleep I'm usually too tired from everything else to do much besides surf the net and watch tv.
There's so much I want to do. I want to be a doula. I want to help mothers and babies. I want to do something in the world of natural birth/breastfeeding/parenting. I want to put all the passion in my heart and the potential in my head to good use. But it's just not possible right now. Even beyond something like that, I'd like to even just have time to read a good book and write out some of my thoughts. But I can't even find the time to do that. This blog is my only real creative outlet right now, and obviously I don't even post much. I want to build relationships with people and have actual friendships- it's a long story, but that's a real area of weakness for me, plus I'm an introvert so that makes it even harder. I know now that relationships are important. I know that we all need friends. It's something I really want to work on- but how can I cultivate friendships when I hardly ever get to leave the house?
I'm sure there's a solution out there somewhere for me. But honestly? I'm just so tired of looking for it. I'm tired of having to fight so freaking hard just for some productive time to myself. I'm so worn out by the effort it takes just to survive right now, that I don't have much energy left to try out another solution that's probably going to fail. I want to be able to enjoy these precious moments with my babies, but most days I just feel so trapped by the monotony of all the same chores and nothing interesting for my brain to engage in that it's hard for me to look past that and enjoy the fun moments with my kids. I know I could be a better mom and a better person if I had time to recharge, to keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy. But right now I feel like I'm just treading water, and just barely keeping myself afloat. And I'm not sure what to do about that.